Survivng or Living, the choice is yours !

I recently happen to read an inspirational article ,which told  doing what you love is as important as finding your life partner and spending rest of the life with him. The entire idea of the speech was to stay hungry and stay foolish.
              In any cultured,educated Indian family , all that parents want for their children is a happy, secured life and for which the children's thinking and creative button is disabled with a fear that they might become a  loser before  the society.well, the parents are not to be blamed ,they were taught to lead their life that way and they want us to be happy.The choice is ours if we want to choose their kind of life which is similar to a travel itenary with a predetermined start and end or to make our journey more adventurous

Well ,heres me ,who accepted that travel itenary,risk free,hassle free itenary. It was so easy to abandon the voice inside me,which kept telling "this is not what you want,this is not what you love",but  I kept doing whatever was told and tried hard to love what i did. Now at this point in my life ,when i look back there is no joining of dots .I have just been fighting with my conscious so long, with a hope that its going to support me and appreciate my way of life.

By "joining the dots" i mean., i really dont understand the reason behind me passing an engineering degree  with  high class grades , then getting married to a good person whom my parents chose for me ,then to be a full time wife and mom ,supporting my husbands dreams and aspirations and doing the regular chores to  keep my family healthy and happy .
Atleast my parents are so happy and proud of me. when i think of them all i hear is " we are proud of you , you are the best daughter ever." well again my own inner voice  ,which i so badly want to mute ,keeps laughing at me " The best daughter in the world, Are you proud of yourself,Are you happy?", oh I hate that voice so much,I hate the truth.

How long can one pretend to  be happy and contented. well, ask me.I dint want to accept that i failed and as usual i resorted to my guru and he told "when you make me the object of your devotion you attain self realization". I understood what he meant by that and decided  to give up the idea of muting my inner voice and listen to it, I also gave it a form of my guru as there is no best place for god than your heart and i listened to it and waited for signs , signs that could show me the right way ,i was meant to go.

The first  sign  was from a book ,which i read recently told JOY - was J- jesus ,O -others ,Y -yourself

this was sign that god and others were well satisfied but i lost me, I never satsisfied myself,  I abandoned me and so there was no JOY in what I did.

I still have  a major part of my adult hood left, life is going to be a bumpy ride, will meet many failures but never shall i once regret or stop doing what i love at the same time balance the "Os "in my life who form my family and friends .

I have got strong feelings that from now on my travel itenary is going to be more adventerous , i might fall down but again start doing what i love and soon in future i shall be able to " Join the dots" and trace the path that lead me to the pinacle of what i love the most.

It felt so much better when i listened to my inner voice , earlier i was planning on muting it because i thought its going point out my mistakes  and curse me for leading a life from somebody else's brain, how pathetic can that be, Instead it told me you have lost nothing at all,all you have to do is to differentiate between surviving and living .

How does everything becomes so easy when we give it  a form of someone you trust the most..in my case its sai..and he knows very well that i am now more conscious  and eager about the signs he going to give.